Bridging the Generational Gap: Autism, Understanding, and the Grandparent Conversation

Bridging the Generational Gap: Autism, Understanding, and the Grandparent Conversation

One of the most common things I hear from parents I work with is this:

“My parents don’t believe my child is autistic.”
“They say we’re overthinking it - that we’re just labelling them.”
“They think it’s a phase, or that we’re too soft.”

And I get it - not just professionally, but personally.
I’ve had those moments too. Moments where I tried to share something about autism - and was met with resistance, eye rolls, or awkward silence.
Moments where I wanted support and got a shrug. Or worse, doubt.

It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. And it can feel deeply invalidating - especially when all you want is for your child to be seen and accepted by the people who are supposed to love them most.

But over time, I’ve learned something important:
They’re not ignoring us out of cruelty.
They’re responding from the only framework they’ve ever known.

They Only Know What They Were Taught

For many in the older generation, “autism” was either a rare diagnosis or something never spoken about. It carried stigma, confusion, even fear. They didn’t grow up with social media, podcasts, webinars, or neuroaffirming parenting accounts in their feed.

So when we bring them information, even lovingly, it can feel to them like we’re rewriting the rules of parenting, or saying they did something wrong.

And if they were raised in a time where obedience, emotional suppression, and “getting on with it” were values… then of course they might struggle to understand why we’re creating social stories or using visuals instead of consequences.

But here’s the good news:
We know better now.
And our children are growing up in a time where differences are spoken about openly, not hidden. Where support exists. Where understanding is growing.

As much as we feel the need to advocate for our kids, we don't really need to convince our parents or in-laws of everything.
We just need to create an environment where respect becomes the minimum standard - even if full agreement never happens.

My Approach (and What I Recommend to Families)

When I support families navigating this tension, I don’t encourage all-out battles to convert Grandma into an autism ally overnight. That’s rarely helpful for anyone - especially the child.

Instead, I suggest these three things:

1. Shift the focus from labels to needs.

If “autism” is a sticking point, talk about what helps your child without naming it as a diagnosis.

“He does better when he knows what’s happening ahead of time.”
“She gets overwhelmed by loud places - we’ve found headphones help a lot.”
“We’re practicing giving choices instead of sudden changes. It really helps him feel safe.”

Often, the older generation can be quite practical - when you describe what works, rather than what it’s called, they’re more likely to understand.

2. Find a bridge, not a battleground.

Instead of trying to “win” the argument about whether your child is autistic, try saying:

“I know this is new or unfamiliar for you. It was for me too at first. But learning more has helped us understand how to support them - and they’re doing so much better now.”

This acknowledges their hesitation while reinforcing that your approach is working.

3. Set respectful expectations — not emotional ultimatums.

Your goal isn’t to force someone to believe in autism. It’s to create a safe environment for your child.

That might sound like:

“I don’t need you to agree with every part of this. But I do need you to respect how we do things, so our child feels safe and accepted when they’re with you.”

Boundaries can be kind and firm. You’re not asking for permission - you’re sharing your values.

The Bigger Picture

Yes, it would be lovely if every grandparent dove headfirst into understanding autism and became your co-regulator at Christmas lunch. But even if that never happens - even if they only make tiny shifts, like letting your child wear headphones at the table or skipping hugs - that still matters.

Because your child will notice.
They’ll feel it.
And you’ll have created a family culture where difference doesn’t mean exclusion.

And maybe, slowly, the older generation will learn from watching the relationship you have with your child. From seeing that understanding doesn’t spoil kids, it supports them.

Final Thought

We’re part of a lucky generation.
We have access to information our parents never did. We get to raise kids in a world that’s starting, finally, to value difference. And while we can’t undo the past, we can shape what happens next.

It’s not our job to change every mind.
But it is our job to create an environment where our kids feel safe, seen, and respected, wherever they go.